Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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