every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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