i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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