If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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