I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
