we made out on top of his cat.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
