when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
