I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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