Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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