come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
