I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
