Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
