made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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