My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
