I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
