i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
