I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
