It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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