And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
