you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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