There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
