my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
