You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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