Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
