i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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