Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
