i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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