Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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