the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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