Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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