I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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