when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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