Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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