i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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