i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
