you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
