1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
