I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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