I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
