if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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