EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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