Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
