He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
