just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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