just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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