...so i touched it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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