how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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