Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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