The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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