Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
