It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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